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Got your Detective Badge?

You didn’t realize when you signed up for a family that you were actually also enlisting as a detective!  Insert name here:  Detective __________!  

 

Oh, what’s that you say?  You didn’t have any training for your detective work?  No classes or books?  That’s right!  On the job training.  Luckily for everyone, we usually get many chances to hone our craft.  

 

Let’s go over a few case studies to test your skills:

 

  1. You wake up and your significant other is interacting less than usual.  What do you do?
    a)   Say, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?”
    b)  Think, I better steer clear if I know what is good for me.
    c)   Silently think, not my problem and head to work letting them do their own thing.
    d)   Go into detective mode.

 

  1. You pick up your child from school and notice a scowl on their face.  What do you do?
    a)  Ask non stop questions of the “What happened?”  “Was your teacher mean to you?”  “Did you            fail another test” variety.
    b)  Take it personally and sulk after making a quick comment about their “mood”.
    c)  Assume the worst and anticipate a call or email from the teacher or principal.
    d)  Go into detective mode.

 

  1. You are at home playing with your family when your young one (barely) hits their elbow on the table, and is now reciting the, “Ow!  I hit my elbow” song on repeat.  What do you do?
    a)  Quickly say, “Oh, you are okay! That didn’t hurt”
    b)  Lower your voice and tell her to “Toughen up!”
    c)  Compare bruises and tell about the time you broke your arm and didn’t even cry.
    d)  Go into detective mode!!!

 

So...If you are anything like me, some or all of those options might have slid past your lips before...or even all of the options rapid fire in a desperate attempt to quickly extinguish the problem!

 

As you probably figured out, the answer was D- Go into detective mode!  All of these situations are a great time to reflect and not immediately do or say what was in your arsenal from your parents when they were raising you.  Detective mode involves using your memory, your senses, and not just saying something to make yourself feel better, but to think about what they other person is needing.

 

Let’s go back through the questions in detective mode this time.

 

  1. You wake up and your significant other is interacting less than usual.  What do you do?

Great time to take a moment, go back into your mental notes from the night before.  Did you both go to bed on a happy note or might there be something in the recent past that wasn’t resolved?  Do you know what their day is going to look like and what stressful situations might be ahead?

If you are familiar with your family’s love language, this is a great time to use it to reach out to them in just the right way that you know they respond to.

 

  1. You pick up your child from school and notice a scowl on their face.  What do you do?

Detectives know...sometimes silence is the best answer.  Observe and listen!  Sometimes adults feel the need to not have dead air and must have music or constant noise/talk.  If your child gets into the car in a funk after leaving you on cloud 9 that morning, chances are they won’t be ready to answer your daily 10 questions like usual.  Give them some space and time and when they are ready, they can begin the conversation.  They might even be baffled by your silence that they engage with you quicker than you thought possible.  

 

  1. You are at home playing with your family when your young one (barely) hits their elbow on the table, and is now reciting the, “Ow!  I hit my elbow” song on repeat.  What do you do?

I’ve caught myself jumping straight out of detective mode to stifle this chorus!  Here’s what good detectives know:  If you jump to the wrong conclusion, you are going to be given the chance to try again.  Enter the case of my own daughter, Scarlett.  Years ago, she got into the car and bumped her elbow.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was A-OK.  So I quickly acknowledged by saying, “Oh, you are okay!”  Silly me.  I obviously did not validate her and make her feel heard.  Validate might seem like a fancy and unnecessary word here, but it is as short and sweet as, “Oh, you are okay!” I quickly backtracked and validated with this quick and easy line, “Ouch, you hit your elbow.  Are you okay?”  That was all it took.  She then replied yes, and carried on like nothing happened.  I agree, it’s hard to believe that this tiny twist makes all the difference, but jot it down and keep it forever!  Don’t forget, words are only a third of the solution.  Tone of voice and body language/facial expressions help seal the deal.  

 

So, the next time you are caught in a sticky situation, put on your detective badge and get to work.  

Observe, remember, listen and validate and you are on your way to a happier and healthier day!

 

Light and love,

 

Annie

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